This is a little rambly but Ms. Voltairine got thinking with her talk about the different ‘flavors’ of D/s relationships. Yes, we all do have different wants, needs, and desires when it comes to our desire for D/s. Drum, a wise gentleman I know once said, “I guess we jazz a little differently, you and I. But we’re definitely in the same band.”
Speaking purely for myself, I know that the longer I deny myself an orgasm, the darker my thoughts, my fantasies & desires grow. As a man who self-pierced 8 piercings thru his own cock and balls, been the subject of needle-play, suffocated to unconsciousness, had the skin of my ball sack literally charcoaled with an electronic dog trainer and had more canings & single whippings than I could even count, my fantasies are a bit more real (read as possible) than most.
That said, yesterday I gave myself an orgasm after almost 4 weeks of edging and denial (I keep track of that with handy app at the bottom of my blog!) because my lust and desires had begun to get the best of me and led me to make several inappropriate comments on Ms. Voltairine’s Patreon blog (that I promptly deleted!) and afterwards, I was perfectly content with returning to work archiving her posts, reordering her beauty supplies, and re-posting Ms. Lane’s material and doing my usual housework for my beautiful wife.
It occurred to me that even post-orgasm, my default setting is submission and servitude, not a manly, misogynistic attitude. I am no less submissive post-orgasm. Less “dark” perhaps. My lust to be sadistically, brutally used and tortured becomes temporarily a little less important to my sense of happiness and fulfillment.
I suppose the difference between myself and what I read about robbi is I don’t play the ‘willful little brat’ card about it. I accept it’s not always about me and my wants and I shut up until spoken too about it. I may not feel all that submissive or whatever today, but I know myself good enough to know I probably will tomorrow, so I just quietly go with the flow.
Which, speaking just for me again, leads to one of the most important traits that make up a near-perfect relationship. Traits that need to be honed to a razor’s edge for a D/s relationship to be mutually satisfying – and that is trust.
One level of trust is that I trust my partner can and will take the time to read me and know where I’m at and what I want/need in the moment. I of course accept that won’t necessarily result in my needs getting met, but I trust she will weigh them against what *she* wants and needs and give it if she thinks it’s right or absolutely necessary in the moment.
Empathy is another trait. Feeling your partners’ rhythm – emotional, mental, and physical – and learning how it impacts their responses to you. I try and do the same for her. “It is not her job to dominate, it is my job to submit.” I do so love giving anticipatory service!
For example, I for one don’t turn on a dime when it comes to sex. I attribute that in part to the fact I have practiced being ‘in the moment’ for decades and when I am cleaning a litter box for example and my wife says, “Hey. Wanna go have sex?” It’s a long mental and emotional road from the litterbox to the bed. Sex is a very deep, connective, near religious experience in my eyes. I definitely need a little forewarning that that’s where you’re gonna go.
That is one of the reasons I love ritual so much. It gives me time to prepare and ‘be there’.
Besides, I love the ‘ramp up’. “Tonight, I am going to take you out on the balcony and fuck you hard with my roughest dildo. And I hope the neighbors all watch and hear you…” Leaves me eight long hours to think about, and get hard about, and beg you not too do what you are going to do! It draws a 30 minute thing into hours of delicious mental torture!
Yet another trait, clear and complete understanding of one another. Early in our relationship it became clear that my D/s wants were much darker and very much deeper than my wife. She literally became afraid of the animalistic look in my eyes when we played ‘hard’ and sadly she’d back off, not understanding what she was seeing.
And understandably. When I’m beaten hard, my higher brain function has ‘left the building’! LoL! I am so far down in my primal being I am non-verbal… but *very* vocal. I growl and grunt and lady, you’d better *hope* the restraints you put me in are real!
I have had several women tell me I’ve had enough long before I thought I had, but when I saw the marks on my body the next morning, I knew they where right. Back to that trust and empathy I guess!
There is probably a book in here about all this (oh yeah, this is! LoL!) but I’ll end here. Thank you for posting this Ma’am. 🙂