NOTE: I was recently asked to offer advice to male submissives on attending a kink event for the first time. By way of a resume of sorts, I can say I have been lucky enough to attend many, many kink events over the course of my relationship with my wife Suzanne. Dark Odyssey, Leather Retreat, Black Rose, Shibaricon, APEX, Thunder, Floating World, Bound in Boston, NEEHU, C.O.P.E., Paradise Unbound, SINsations and DomCon… several of these more than once.
Brett
Rule numma one, learn the rules! Every con has them. Find them, study them, consider getting them tattooed on your arm (just kidding!). But seriously. They will tell you all you need to know.
For example, some events rent out the entire hotel, so being a little kinky in your choice of clothing in the lobby may be okay. Others just have the conference space and a block of rooms, so vanilla mommy and her little ones will be everywhere else. Don’t be creepy around the vanillas! Actually, just don’t be creepy. Period.
At one conference, Suzanne and I got into an elevator with another couple who had a coffee urn on a cart. I smiled and trying to make small talk commented that I thought bringing your own coffee maker was brilliant as hotels never give you enough in the rooms. They looked nervously at us trying to decide if we were part of the con or not and then seeing our badges relaxed and said, “Er, no. We’re teaching a class on coffee enemas…” Worked for me! 🙂 Maybe not so much for vanilla mom.
Things they don’t tell you.
Remember while you are there, you are an ambassador for kinky people everywhere. Don’t leave your dildo soaking in the bathroom sink or the leather cuffs you bought at the con lying on the bed. The staff may or may not be kinky and does not consent to seeing what it is we do (WIIWD). Also, consider it your job to represent the con and make sure the hotel will be happy to invite them back! Consider leaving a daily tip and nice note for the cleaning staff. Thank the front desk people. In short, be your best you!
Did I mention don’t be creepy? That said, absolutely DO be a stalker!
Do your stalking.. errrr… homework. Research whom else may be attending. If there is someone you are particularly interested in meeting, learn about them. Learn their interests. Read things they’ve written. Everyone likes to be flattered, but only if it’s sincere. To say, “It’s my pleasure to meet you! I loved what you wrote about…” is a nice ice-breaker. If they are teaching at the event, hang back at the end of the class and go up and thank them. Tell them quickly what you got from their talk and say you hope to get a chance to speak more with them later.
“It is NOT about the clothes” (but it really is). That’s to say, it is not what you wear, because you will see it all. Jeans and a Bud Lite t-shirt to thigh-hi boots and full leather gear. But whatever you wear be neat and be clean!
Things you should already know (You’re a grown-up for pete’s sake)
Get a haircut. Shave (if that’s your thing). TRIM YOUR FREAKIN’ NAILS! I want to tell you a story about meeting a Domme for the first time. We met for coffee at a diner and after exchanging pleasantries she ordered me to put my hands on the table. She examined my hands and poorly trimmed nails with a ‘tsk-tsk’. “You need to do better. A slave never knows where he may be invited to put his hands and untrimmed, dirty nails are a punishable sin.” ‘Nuf said. Be neat and well groomed! And here is where Ms. Voltairine’s Obedient Love training comes in… oral care. Scrape your tongue, brush your teeth for two minutes (Yes! 2 full minutes!) and use a mouthwash. Nothing is more of a turn-off than bad breath. Speaking of smell, leave your AXE body spray at home. It is a Goddess given right for women to smell intoxicating or primal or whatever the hell they want so don’t even TRY to compete. Use unscented deodorants and soaps and let her scent envelop you both.
Like the saying goes, dress for the job you want. In this case, your dream job involves you being naked, so… be sure to wash and press that birthday suit before hand!
Some more “Do”s
- Be alert for chances to be courteous. Hold a door open to let a woman pass. Politely offer to help carry stuff is you see someone struggling.
- Speaking of classes, get there early. Keep an eye out for a chance to be helpful. Maybe arranging chairs, getting a table, fetching a glass of water. At some cons, I’ve ended up doing more work then some of the con workers! But that’s me, I’m a service slut. 🙂
Dungeon/Play party etiquette
- Be quiet in the dungeon! (Goddess, someone needs to beat this one into me!)
- Look but never touch anyone or anything unless you are invited too.
- Keep your distance and don’t intrude on someone’s space while they are playing or immediately afterwards. If you aren’t careful you may get a fast lesson on exactly how much room it takes to throw a single-tail whip!
- If you are lucky enough to be invited to play, wipe down the bondage gear before and after use. Nobody wants your flop sweat.
- Thank them for agreeing to ‘play’ with you! Then thank them again! Ask if you can help pack up their gear for them while you are thanking them a third time.
Definitely bring your own gear if you have some. It you don’t have any yet, the vendors area is a great place to start adding to your toy bag. (yes, submissives have toy bags too!) After all, she may not want your blood all over her favorite whip but I bet she wouldn’t mind at all if it was yours! 🙂 Another benefit of bringing your own toy bag is it gives her an immediate read on you and your BDSM likes. If you have floggers, whips and toothy-bitey clothespins, it says something completely different than if you have a feather duster, stocking, panties, a dog collar and a hairbrush. Then again, maybe you have all that. Ohhhhhh… you little slut you! 😉
After the ball was over…
You will probably experience what is known as Con drop. Maybe even Con crud. Con crud is the cold (or nowadays, Covid) you will inevitably get following a weekend of non-stop adrenaline, little sleep, and crappy food habits. Con drop is a melancholy – a mild depression – that it’s all over. For a too brief moment you got to be your authentic you and enjoy being amongst people just like you and now it’s back to work, family, and your hum-drum life.
One cure for Con drop and just a good idea in general is to spend time following up. After the event, send a thank you to the event organizers. Praise it on social media. Send a message on Fetlife or Twitter to people you met saying what a pleasure it was to make their acquaintance. Build your network of kinky friends, because cons are great fun, but good friends are what we all seek and need in our lives. 🙂
I’m sure I’ve missed a lot of really good advice, so please drop me a comment below with your tips on attending a kink event for the first time!
Thank you for this piece. Excellent! It has given the start point I needed for NOLA this fall…and you know me, I’ll have questions!