(The following is a small portion of Ms. Voltairine’s course for male submissives entitled ‘Obedient Love’. Reposted here with permission.)
Editor’s note: The full and final audio version may be found here:
Here’s the very rough draft of the next podcast I’ll be recording soon. Any input?
Today, I’d like to discuss communication. And in particular, I’d like to talk about communication styles that lend themselves best to successful long term full time D/s relationships. So this episode is for those who are already in a FemDom D/s relationship or who wish to know how to navigate when they finally enter one. So listen up. I’m about to resolve some of the most common conflicts FemDoms face with their subs and vice versa.
First, we need to establish the framework on which a D/s relationship is based. And for this I’m going to refer to some writing done by several very clear-thinking authors on this topic. First, Ms. Rika who’s series of books on the subject of full time D/s relationships should be required reading for anyone interested in making this a lifestyle. I’ve read both Uniquely Rika where she talks about her personal D/s dynamic and how she set her and her sub up for a loving and functional relationship, and Uniquely Us, where she gives examples of how others manage it.
She points out that most good D/s relationships have two parts. First is the foundational relationship. And that’s exactly what it sounds like. It’s the basic relationship of love and respect between any set of partners, no matter what their lifestyle. Just because you are in a Mistress and slave relationship does NOT mean you forgo the human need for connection, intimacy and caring. The fantasy of being with a woman who doesn’t give a shit about you, is usually just a fantasy. If your Domme did not care for you, you’d just be an annoyance to her, and it would not last. She will want you gone. Or at very least you will be trampled in ways that are not fun or good or healthy for you in any way. That’s also known as an abusive relationship. I don’t want the subs listening to me to be in abusive relationships. I want to see you in functional D/s dynamics, inside loving relationships. Your Domme has to enjoy having you around and care about your well being. You can be viewed and treated as an object if you like it that way, but you still deserve an owner who values and takes good care of her objects. And if a sub didn’t care for his Domme, well, he’d be the worst sub one could imagine. Why devote your life to someone you don’t care about?
The best D/s relationships are built on love, trust, a general respect for the needs of the other person, and clear communication. That’s the foundational relationship. On top of that relationship the second part – the D/s dynamic – can be built. Through the D/s dynamic, the sub’s surrender can deepen in very satisfying and life changing ways.
The D/s dynamic is created in the rules by which the relationship runs. It’s the contract, whether written or just agreed upon verbally – the glue keeping the Dom and sub together. The foundational relationship is your love for each other and the D/s dynamic is the way in which you express that love in ways that make both of you feel good and right.
So since we’ve established that the foundational relationship involves respect for each partner’s needs. What are these needs as expressed and fulfilled through the D/s dynamic? For the submissive it is usually the need to have their role openly acknowledged by the Dominant. Typically he will want to be SEEN by his Dominant as the servant, the slave, the one who has given up all control and has little to no say. Some want to be viewed as objects to be used, or as minions (and I don’t mean the cute little yellow animated critters, but an underling, devoted entirely to serving someone powerful and important) . The stereotype in BDSM circles is that subs seek lots and lots and LOTS of attention. That’s why subs act out sometimes. But I would say it’s not attention, but acknowledgement and reinforcement of their role that subs really need. And they need it on a regular basis. And they need it in multiple ways, which I’ll talk about in a bit.
So Domme’s responsibility is quite frankly to consistently remind the sub that he’s lower in rank. And to graciously accept his submission knowing she deserves to have a sub who strives to make her happy. Her role is to be clear about what makes her happy (and ladies this does require some introspection because, as women, we’re accustomed to having our wishes ignored). Dominant Ladies, your role is to expect him to cater to that. To let your wishes be known in a straightforward manner, and let the submissive know when he is and is not fulfilling those wishes to your satisfaction.
That may sound simple, but believe me, from experience, it can be exhausting to consistently expect someone else to live up to your standards without caving and just giving up. Men need to be trained and that training takes effort. I think this is true of all submissives, but I’ve found men in particular need lots of repetition. And it can be tedious. But every relationship requires effort, so that’s nothing new. A D/s relationship, though easier in many ways, does take work from both partners.
The sub’s responsibility in the dynamic is to really listen to his Domme’s wants and needs and preferences, and do all he can humanly do to make sure her expectations are met. If you crave being in the subjugated role, you must be a good subject. Be humble and really strive to please. Otherwise the whole thing falls apart and it makes nothing but boring work for your Dominant. She’ll get burned out really fast on having to correct you around every corner.
Ask yourself if your desire to serve is really a desire to serve or is it really all about you. Is it all about you wanting her to tie you up, humiliate and beat you? Do you want to be told you’re a bad boy and have her be mean to you? Of course you do! You probably wouldn’t be listening to my podcasts if that wasn’t part of the appeal. But if you want to take this to a new level – if you want a D/s lifestyle, full time, you’re going to have to work at leaving fantasy mode and getting real.
Key Barrett writes about the internal motivations for leading a female led lifestyle in his book Surrender, Submit, Serve Her. He knows that it takes a change of mindset to go from wanting to bottom to a hot dominatrix and really wanting to be a long term serious submissive to your partner. It takes a sincere wish to make your partner happy, and to be the best submissive you can be so that she is pleased. Being a submissive partner is 100% about making HER life easier and pleasurable, not about getting your masochistic fantasies fulfilled. And if, from the love of the foundational relationship, your Dominant WANTS to make you happy too by incorporating kinky play, then that should be her choice, but never expected of her. If you’re lucky, she’ll be kinky and sadistic like me, and you’ll get those fetishy fantasies fulfilled without ever having to ask. But first, you have to adjust your core motivator – change your mindset from doing what you do to get kink out of your Dominant, to being the best sub you can be.
As a man you’re likely brought up to think that sex is something men want and women give. It’s talked about as “getting lucky” or “getting laid.” The traditional way of seeing sexuality leaves out women’s desires completely, which is a shame because we can be horny beasts. It also puts you on the consumer end of a transactional encounter. And sex should, in my opinion, not be unintentionally transactionaly. I mean if you’re paying for it, that’s one thing. But your Dominant partner should not be your service provider.
For people like me, and probably like you, the kinky stuff is our sex, even if no penetration or even genital contact happens. It’s physical, gets those endorphins pumping… it’s erotic. And there are lots of professional sex workers who can give you that intense experience of sexual submission. But when it comes to the realm of a full time D/s relationship, we need to leave that transactional mentality behind. Your intrinsic motivation to please must be front and center.
In a consensual long term D/s dynamic you have BOTH agreed that HER needs, her wants and her pleasure take absolute priority. That is the framework. This is for real. It’s not a game. Your thoughts should always be on how to best please her, not how to get your fetishes serviced.
Ms. Rika talks about the fun sadistic and masochistic stuff in a different light. Kinky fun is a treat. It’s not a reward or a punishment. Any psychologist worth their salt will tell you that behaviorism – a.k.a., rewards and punishments – are the least effective form of psychological molding or behavior modification. It’s fun and may help a slave maintain the right mindset when needed, but you aren’t going to get real and lasting psychological change from such a system. It’s superficial. And the truth is, if you’re a Dominant giving a submissive the pain or humiliation he craves, how can you ever tell if it’s a reward or a punishment?
If you think you’ll get sexy time if you’re a good boy… drop that notion now. If you think if you act up and become a resistant brat you’ll get that lashing you’ve been dreaming of, stop right now and kill that idea. That works for a play scene, or a transactional encounter, but that does NOT work if you want this to last as a long term serious D/s relationship. You will please her whether or not you’re getting what you want or fantasize about, because you love her and that’s the contract! That’s the explicit agreement in a D/s dynamic – her wants are the most important part of your life together.
As a dominant lady, knowing what you know about your sub, you may feel like playing with him in the ways he likes because you want to see him happy too. That stems from the loving foundational relationship, though, and NOT from the D/s dynamic. If you are like me, you engage in kinky play because you’re kinky and you feel like it, it makes you feel more powerful, or you just love to see his reaction. Not because he’s earned it. Not because he’s a bad boy who deserves punishment or because he did as you wanted and is being rewarded for good behavior. Let’s get this straight. You, as the dominant, are in charge. Your wants and needs are the main concern. And he should always strive to please you, regardless of whether or not his fantasies are being fulfilled. That’s how this works. All you owe your submissive, your entire responsibility in this relationship is to 1.) acknowledge and accept his submission, 2.) be clear what you want, and 3.) clearly let him know when he’s doing it right or doing it wrong. That’s it. You need not feel obligated to do anything else aside from enjoy him and enjoy yourself. It’s your world, now. He just lives in it.
For the sub the only way to approach this is from the perspective that kink is a way to play together. And when she wants to play, you get to play. Not because you did all your chores – you should be doing those whether or not you are punished or rewarded. Kinky play is a gift to you, given only when she really wants to give it. No expectations.
OK, so now that that framework is clear, it’s time to move on to how to best communicate to avoid conflict in a loving relationship with a full time D/s dynamic.
I think one thing that’s absolutely essential is that you have some established avenues of communicating when something is not feeling right, or when things are going really well. Some people call it porch time or couch time. For me, it’s long walks with my boys. It is a relaxed regular check in time, where you can speak openly, setting protocol aside for a bit.
I also use journaling. I have my subs journal to me daily, just speaking openly about what they are thinking and feeling. I will sometimes respond, and often I will use this input to direct my training. A dominant needs to keep her finger on the pulse of the relationship. She needs to continually reaffirm consent and know how her actions and expectations are being received. Without this feedback misunderstandings can and will happen. I recommend you send your Dominant an email or text message either every morning or every night and really express your inner world to her. Get used to being vulnerable. And keep doing it, even if she doesn’t respond directly to each message. Trust that she is reading what you write and taking it to heart. And Doms, read what your sub is writing, and use that info to understand how to further guide him in the right direction.
Subbies, If you find it’s been a long time since your Domme has felt like playing with you and you miss it, then by all means do check in. Without implying any pressure make sure she’s feeling content and relaxed and ask her if she ever thinks about playing with you, and if she enjoys playing with you. Let her know you miss it without ever asking her for anything specific. If you have fantasies about her, you may include them in your journals. It might be just the erotic inspiration she needs to rev up her engines again! And feel free to make your journals into love letters at times when you are feeling particularly devoted and appreciative. You have no idea how good positive feedback feels to a Dominant. We are taking on a role that’s not typical, and no matter how confident, we do sometimes feel unsure.
The other author I wanted to mention in regard to communication styles in D/s is Ingrid Bellmare. I may have mentioned her before. In her book Owning & Training a Male Slave, she gives the Dominant Woman clear advice on how to communicate with a submissive man. First, you have to know what you want. This may be a tall order at first and Dominant women, you may need to spend some time contemplating what will truly and genuinely make you happy.
After you know what you want you need to state it clearly and in no uncertain terms. Remember it is a command and not a request. If you want something done in a specific way you say so. And you will need to say so more than once. Remember submissive men need things repeated to them in order to absorb it. Bellmare goes so far as to create drills where she has a slave repeat a task over and over and over and over until he’s perfected it to her liking. This may be a little too intense and time consuming for some Dominants, but I’m certain that it does save time in the long run.
Nagging should be taken off the table. A sub will inevitably fail to live up to your expectations sometimes. And it should be enough to tell him that you are not pleased and demand that he correct the mistake. If sub and Dom find themselves engaged in a situation where the Domme is nagging and needing to remind and cajole a sub, the sub is failing badly in his duties and you have fallen into a vanilla dynamic. The two of you will need a reminder of what the rules of engagement are and what you’ve agreed to. You need to review the relationship contract.
And for the subbies, I want to make one thing crystal clear. Complaining is D/s relationship poison. Whining, complaining and resisting doing a task when and in the way your Mistress commands it will be a drag on her Dominant energy. You risk draining her and her interest in maintaining the D/s dynamic if you make it too frustrating for her. You are failing her each and every time you complain.
Remember the couch time, journals and walks I mentioned? There is a time and place to voice a concern or issue. There’s a way to let her know you feel stretched too thin. In the moment when you are told to do something is NOT that time. Moaning about having to do something to make your Mistress happy is NOT acceptable behavior and you may be causing your D/s dynamic to deteriorate. Do you want to lose the dynamic and end up being an average couple? If not, then DO NOT grumble and complain.
Everyone gets in a bad mood or gets tired now and then. But you need to keep in mind your top priority in life. That is to please your Mistress, even if it feels like a sacrifice or a pain. That is what you signed up for. Keep the framework always at the front of your mind. DO NOT sour your partner on the whole arrangement by being a big baby. You want her to be dominant and commanding, so let her be dominant and commanding. Negative feedback, like positive feedback, can really affect her confidence. Support her in finding her assertiveness, and don’t impede that.
So what are some ways to always remind ourselves of the D/s dynamic so we don’t lapse into the boring typical problems of boring typical couples?
First, you can create a pledge. It can be a few sentences or a few paragraphs that a sub is forced to memorize and repeat at certain specific times or on cue as needed.
Secondly, you can have a written contract and review it in any time of tension or conflict. Having the rules and goals of your relationship agreed upon and unmistakably spelled out is a great tool. And you can modify this contract over time if it no longer fits, but you will always know that you’re on the same page.
Daily rituals like kissing your feet every morning and every night are a sweet reminder of his place as well.
As a Dominant you can find little easy ways of putting him in his place quickly. I find grabbing a boy by the balls and squeezing hard while asking him who makes the rules is immediately effective in snapping him back into his submissive mindset if he shows resistance. A pat on the butt, a kiss on the cheek and a nibble on the ear when he’s pleased you has a similar effect. A subtle signal that he’s on the right track. Allowing him to kneel and press his face into your crotch for a moment is both a reminder of dominance and an erotic trigger to realign his attitude. Even a quick sharp slap to the face can be just the thing to snap him out of the mundane world and back into service. Figure out what does it for your sub. And subs let your Dom know when something she does gets you back into the right headspace to be her good subbie again. Give her the keys to drive you into surrender.
All of this from the outside might seem a little contrived. But it also makes it easier to stick to the rules of engagement and avoid conflict. Do what feels the most fitting and natural to you and your partner. And always ALWAYS remember you’re doing this because you WANT IT. If it stops being satisfying or fulfilling, you need to stop and reevaluate if this kind of relationship is really for you. There’s always a way to work out individual issues and maintain both the loving foundational relationship and the D/s dynamic. But don’t let things become so contrived that it becomes a total bore. Remember why you are here. YOU CHOSE THIS! It is the life you wanted for yourself. Remember why you want it and how it makes you feel. Ongoing consent from both sides is an absolute requirement to make things work for the long term.
So just to review. Dominants, your role is to accept and openly acknowledge his submission, to be clear about what pleases you and let him know when he succeeds and fails at doing so. Know that there are no other expectations of you, and be confident in asserting your wants, needs and whims. It’s what he now loves for. Submissives, your job is to do all you can to please her without complaint, make sure she is relaxed and her life is made easier so that she will be inspired to play and want to engage with you in the ways you both enjoy.
And both of you are responsible for communicating. This is done verbally through your regular relaxed talks together, in writing through journals, contracts and love letters, and through subtle actions, rituals and reaffirmations of Her power and control.
Check out the links for the very good books I mentioned which go into much more depth on these topics. And in the meantime enjoy your very special, uniquely intimate and unusual relationship! And as always, stay kinky!